Saturday, August 5, 2017

The Pheonix.

She was a mystery of a woman, both dark and strong. 
She shined like some kind of angel, yet somehow I still saw her scars. 
She ignored them, as though life had never touched her skin and I waited for whatever it was that caused them to burst forth from beneath...
Years have passed and still, she shines. 
She laughs in the face of those who have ever questioned her, and if I were one of them, I would certainly feel fear. Her gaze alone could level me. 
Sometimes, I pretend to be asleep, as she sneaks out of bed to go think or pray or whatever it is that she does that has me in a permanent state of love and lust. 
Sometimes, as we are driving in the car, I glance over to see her leaning her head back with her feet up on the dash, gazing into the sky, and smiling. And I ask God if I could see what she saw or hear what she heard...
What makes her smile at life, even when it makes no sense? Especially when it makes no sense. 
It is like there is some puzzle only she can see, and as the pieces fit, she gains more momentum.
Then, there are days when she turns down the lights and sings into darkness. Songs of despair and pain, all the while, smiling at the reality of her past as if staring down the barrel of an imaginary gun. The one that was meant to end her. 
Most might think her crazy to be so unashamed. To be proud of the pain once inflicted...Not because it happened, but because she didn't allow it to end her. 
But not my Ady. She stretches out her arms and laughs as tears stream down her face, basking in understanding, peace, and acceptance. 
I have watched her fight the devil, himself and then paint her toenails as though nothing happened. 
Where did this being come from? 
My wife. My love. My world. 

Forever In A Heaven Of Change.


I mark success by never allowing oneself to become stagnate. Each and every day, I begin to realize how quickly the time is blowing past my body. Seconds tick, then hours...

To live life to it's fullest means to never stop growing, within. to encourage your own heart to beat a little different each and every day. To rid oneself of toxic people. To protect your own life...

 I have recently become very aware of the fact that I am older. I often times forget. Many things seem like yesterday. Like learning to fly a plane, performing in NY before hundreds of people, working at a radio station, working on film sets, buying homes, moving from apartment to apartment. But most important of all, meeting and falling in love with the one God had designated for me. What a journey...
How did this all happen so fast? 
Now, I realize that ten years has past since my real life began, and I refuse to allow time to speed up anymore than it already has. The thing that I do realize, however, is that being an ever changing being truly does slow down time, a bit. 

The other day, I went to the dentist for a cleaning. Afterward, we went shopping, as we always do. This is my version of a lollipop for good behavior. I have lost some weight lately, as I often do in the summer, and wish to update my wardrobe with well fitting pieces. And as I leafed through the hangers, taking in all of the different styles, colors, cuts, etc., I realized that my style had changed, yet again. Naturally, I began to think about this. To relish within it's beautiful reality. To grasp the knowledge that I am forever evolving into more of who I am meant to become. That I do not adhere to any specific predictability. I am not one who can be sized up, nor does anyone have the ability to peg me into any specific stereotype. As this washed over me, I smiled...both inside, and visibly. 

Yes, I still walk around stores and sing songs that are in my head. People look at me and I say hello. Some compliment my voice, while others quietly sneak away from the crazy lady who is inexplicably happy enough to sing in public. Certainly, she has no sense of sanity, right? Things such as these, make me chuckle. That my life is expected by some to be confined to what everyone else makes of theirs. It is my little private joke. Okay, maybe not such a private one, but it definitely fills me with happiness. 

This life has attempted to hold me down. Beat me into submission. Silence me. Sedate me. Hide me. Shame me. Brainwash me into believing I was nothing more than a number on a paper card and an insurance policy to be cashed in  upon my demise...but I have always known better. So I left those who did not cherish me for who I know I am, and have always been...and probably do not even realize the full extent of that, myself. I turned around and never looked back.

 I am intrepid. I do not stop growing. There are some who stay stagnate, however. 

My husband and I, signed my first house away to a needy family who could not find the means to purchase their own home. (Despite the one who still lived there.) I could have kept it, rented it out, and forced a family to find their own way. But we both knew that wouldn't happen. When people cannot change, they grow weak and stagnate. I felt true pity for this individual... 
This is it...
This is what stagnation looks like. 

I always knew that God would rebuild me, seven fold after some devil pushed me away from the life I thought was my own. 

 And He has. My husband. He is...he is perfection. And he is mine, for all eternity. He gets me. He loves me. He is such a giving soul. He supports me, encourages me, is in awe of me, and is a part of me. He is such a wonderful friend to my family and friends. He helps me when I am doing a wedding party... My husband and I learn and grow together. We know who the other is meant to be. Try to find that twice in one lifetime. It cannot be possible. 

And all that I thought I had lost forever has been reinstated, only more of the things that I had always known should be my life. 

So, after the shopping trip, I hung up the new sundresses we purchased, tossed the old ones out of the walk in, and looked at my life, in awe. 

What a gorgeous sight. 

Grab onto this life...whatever yours may be. Do not be afraid to stand out. Do not fear what others think of you. They are too busy worrying about what everyone else thinks. When others find it necessary to speak ill of you, it only means that they wish to beat you to the punch. They expect no less from who they are speaking negatively about. Prove them wrong. Do not fall into the trap of being just like them. Rise above, and embrace who you are with even more conviction!

Over the years, I have had to burn many bridges. At first, I wondered why. What had I done? But that was not the correct question. It is what I did do, that was the answer. By being me, I held a giant mirror in front of faces...and it frightened some to the point that their reactions forced me to cut ties. And that is okay. I will never allow toxicity into my atmosphere. This life is too important to be bled dry of all of my energy. 
The right ones stay. The ones who are real.

This is easily the most unorganized blog I have ever written, to date...

But that is okay.

I needed to get some things out.

And I am far from finished. 

Saturday, March 18, 2017

A decade ago, I flew.

As my husband and I, settle into this nights hotel room, a smile slowly finds my lips and makes itself comfortable. It has been 10 years, a decade to this very day, since I saved myself and found this life. Since I set myself free from the nothing that was, and the everything I was not yet allowed to become. 

Thursday, June 9, 2016

And NOW I can't sleep.

My husband and I do quite a bit of dating and tomorrow,  have plans to hit up that ever-so-amazing semi-annual sale, shop for sundresses, grab some dinner, and snuggle in the bed while carelessly watching Netflix until one or both of us falls asleep.

But alas, here I am, unable to sleep, sneaking around my house at almost 1 in the morning like some sort of prowler. I enjoy hanging out in our kitchen with a hot cup of coffee in the mornings and again at night when I have that great urge to do some writing.

Only now, each sound is magnified because I am the only soul awake.

So now, I am sneaking around my house like a prowler,
sitting back down at my kitchen table,
hearing the dogs collar jingling after she hears my stirring in the kitchen,
staring out the double Paned doors that lead to the pool,
wondering if someone is looking back at me through those double Paned doors...
thinking about the blinds I have in the guest house that would totally prevent this paranoia, wondering why we haven't put them up sooner,
 realizing that I'm being crazy - dog would eat real prowler - dog wants to play.
Why am I awake?
Why aren't I in bed, at least?

Good night you beautiful crazy world.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Because Nine Lives Were Not Enough.

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Empty cardboard boxes surround me on all sides as I sift through memories and toss aside unrecognizable pieces of myself.

I said I would never settle, and settle, I have not. 

Seven years ago, I reclaimed my independence. There was no true choice, not for me, at least. It was do or die, and I always choose "do".

As I prepare for the life I have chosen to drift upon, memories of my own making float past and wave goodbye. I giggle, in spite of myself. 

Seven years ago, I was free falling. I was not as good at this then, as I am now. Though at some point in life, we must all learn. There are no square pegs or round holes. There is only time. There is only that which we bring into this world as the scenery changes and clocks tick onward. 

The only true and real value in life, is the amount of honor and light that we bring into this atmosphere. Never giving up. Never giving in. Never settling for something once beheld. Never settling, period.

Resistance is the enemy, you see? And force is merely a vain attempt at stomping our feet, having a fit, and falling back into it.

When we fight the days away, our life begins to lose shape, meaning, and quality. 

I learned this just before New York. Just after realizing the value of time, but before understanding how to utilize it.

It seems impossibly long ago. Who was that person?

I suppose I always knew, somewhere deep within, that I did not yet know the formula. (Granted, I still believed that there was one) The truth is, there is no formula. Perhaps that, within itself, is the formula.
Anyway, I began to fall in love with my own thoughts. My own feelings. Embracing my own wishes and granting them, as frequently as possible. I watched the ground beneath my feet and steadily balanced upon myself. Upon my faith. 

Shortly after realizing the importance of being myself, I chose to spend quite some time, alone. I was not desperately searching for my soul mate or trying to force someone into that role. I allowed me to be me, and studied how others responded to "her". It is one of the most noble and fair things I have ever done in my lifetime. 

I scan the room again, smiling into a future as unknown as it ever will be. And with blind faith, I embrace it. Bathe within its warm and welcoming waters...

I am blessed.

Monday, July 7, 2014

For This Life, I Have Chosen.

I lie awake beside him, watching his breath,
Body rise and fall....
It is nights like this, I feel love and fury, simultaneously.
I love this man more than I ever thought a heart could love. I did not know until the day I spoke his name or heard him call me "Ady". (The only other person on the planet who calls me this, apart from my family)

Staying up all night to watch the sunrise on the beach and island hopping until we had no energy left.
Our laughter completes a perfect pair of soul mates. All of the things we share...

Tonight, I lie beside my sweet angel and watch over him as he sleeps. He would do the same for me. 

This marine, who gave two years of his life after 9/11. This man with a heart so big, I never thought anything could adhere two souls so strongly. 
This man who reads more books than I do and reaches across the table for my hand so he can bless the food, after cooking mind blowing meals...
This brilliant man....
This marine...

It is my turn to serve. To watch his body and memorize its normal pattern. To chase away the nightmares when they arrive. If I must stay awake all night, so be it.

It is nights like these that I wish to roar. To rip the memories away from time and space and violently disarm anything that could ever bring them back. Nights like these I feel both strong, and weak. Love and fury.

I refuse to allow them to exist...for very long, anyway. And if this is what I must always do, I will gladly do so...

After all, he would do it for me. He has done everything for me. My world is painted with his laughter and his love. The tattoo on his chest. ADY with a halo above the "Y".

He is my angel and I pray to always be his.

Sleep well, sweet world. I have a job to do.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

I Just HAD to do this... My Version of "Royals"

When we were teenagers living in the midst of nowhere, my friends and I used to write our own songs. We were the "Weird Al's" of the South, for sure!
This song was far too tempting to ignore.
This is my rendition of

I've seen so many diamonds in the flesh
I cut my teeth on men who swore they meant it...
And I'm not sure of my address
Goin' town to town...What post code is this?

But every day's like Write this, sing that, pack another suitcase
tweet it, edit, don't forget the train case.
We don't care. We're flying private planes in the sky.
But everybody's like sound check , backup, watch over the soundboard
Find the right shade, dont forget to contour.
We don't care...Not everybody can take a dare.

And we'll never be sorry
We've come too far with this
Not giving up on finding bliss
And making sure we never miss

You can call me crazy
You can call me home free
And baby I'll live (I'll live...I'll live...I'll live)
You can never hinder me.

My friends and I, we keep it real
We don't pretend to live a life
of mediocrity.
And everyone who knows us knows that we roll with it
we live our lives and mean it.

But every day's like Write this, sing that, pack another suitcase
tweet it, edit, don't forget the train case.
We don't care. We're flying private planes in the sky.
But everybody's like sound check , backup, watch over the soundboard
Find the right shade, dont forget to contour.
We don't care...Not everybody can take a dare.

And we'll never be sorry
We've come too far with this
Not giving up on finding bliss
And making sure we never miss

You can call me crazy
You can call me home free
And baby I'll live (I'll live...I'll live...I'll live)
You can never hinder me.