Saturday, March 18, 2017

A decade ago, I flew.

As my husband and I, settle into this nights hotel room, a smile slowly finds my lips and makes itself comfortable. It has been 10 years, a decade to this very day, since I saved myself and found this life. Since I set myself free from the nothing that was, and the everything I was not yet allowed to become. 

Thursday, June 9, 2016

And NOW I can't sleep.

My husband and I do quite a bit of dating and tomorrow,  have plans to hit up that ever-so-amazing semi-annual sale, shop for sundresses, grab some dinner, and snuggle in the bed while carelessly watching Netflix until one or both of us falls asleep.

But alas, here I am, unable to sleep, sneaking around my house at almost 1 in the morning like some sort of prowler. I enjoy hanging out in our kitchen with a hot cup of coffee in the mornings and again at night when I have that great urge to do some writing.

Only now, each sound is magnified because I am the only soul awake.

So now, I am sneaking around my house like a prowler,
sitting back down at my kitchen table,
hearing the dogs collar jingling after she hears my stirring in the kitchen,
staring out the double Paned doors that lead to the pool,
wondering if someone is looking back at me through those double Paned doors...
thinking about the blinds I have in the guest house that would totally prevent this paranoia, wondering why we haven't put them up sooner,
 realizing that I'm being crazy - dog would eat real prowler - dog wants to play.
Why am I awake?
Why aren't I in bed, at least?

Good night you beautiful crazy world.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Because Nine Lives Were Not Enough.

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Empty cardboard boxes surround me on all sides as I sift through memories and toss aside unrecognizable pieces of myself.

I said I would never settle, and settle, I have not. 

Seven years ago, I reclaimed my independence. There was no true choice, not for me, at least. It was do or die, and I always choose "do".

As I prepare for the life I have chosen to drift upon, memories of my own making float past and wave goodbye. I giggle, in spite of myself. 

Seven years ago, I was free falling. I was not as good at this then, as I am now. Though at some point in life, we must all learn. There are no square pegs or round holes. There is only time. There is only that which we bring into this world as the scenery changes and clocks tick onward. 

The only true and real value in life, is the amount of honor and light that we bring into this atmosphere. Never giving up. Never giving in. Never settling for something once beheld. Never settling, period.

Resistance is the enemy, you see? And force is merely a vain attempt at stomping our feet, having a fit, and falling back into it.

When we fight the days away, our life begins to lose shape, meaning, and quality. 

I learned this just before New York. Just after realizing the value of time, but before understanding how to utilize it.

It seems impossibly long ago. Who was that person?

I suppose I always knew, somewhere deep within, that I did not yet know the formula. (Granted, I still believed that there was one) The truth is, there is no formula. Perhaps that, within itself, is the formula.
Anyway, I began to fall in love with my own thoughts. My own feelings. Embracing my own wishes and granting them, as frequently as possible. I watched the ground beneath my feet and steadily balanced upon myself. Upon my faith. 

Shortly after realizing the importance of being myself, I chose to spend quite some time, alone. I was not desperately searching for my soul mate or trying to force someone into that role. I allowed me to be me, and studied how others responded to "her". It is one of the most noble and fair things I have ever done in my lifetime. 

I scan the room again, smiling into a future as unknown as it ever will be. And with blind faith, I embrace it. Bathe within its warm and welcoming waters...

I am blessed.

Monday, July 7, 2014

For This Life, I Have Chosen.

I lie awake beside him, watching his breath,
Body rise and fall....
It is nights like this, I feel love and fury, simultaneously.
I love this man more than I ever thought a heart could love. I did not know until the day I spoke his name or heard him call me "Ady". (The only other person on the planet who calls me this, apart from my family)

Staying up all night to watch the sunrise on the beach and island hopping until we had no energy left.
Our laughter completes a perfect pair of soul mates. All of the things we share...

Tonight, I lie beside my sweet angel and watch over him as he sleeps. He would do the same for me. 

This marine, who gave two years of his life after 9/11. This man with a heart so big, I never thought anything could adhere two souls so strongly. 
This man who reads more books than I do and reaches across the table for my hand so he can bless the food, after cooking mind blowing meals...
This brilliant man....
This marine...

It is my turn to serve. To watch his body and memorize its normal pattern. To chase away the nightmares when they arrive. If I must stay awake all night, so be it.

It is nights like these that I wish to roar. To rip the memories away from time and space and violently disarm anything that could ever bring them back. Nights like these I feel both strong, and weak. Love and fury.

I refuse to allow them to exist...for very long, anyway. And if this is what I must always do, I will gladly do so...

After all, he would do it for me. He has done everything for me. My world is painted with his laughter and his love. The tattoo on his chest. ADY with a halo above the "Y".

He is my angel and I pray to always be his.

Sleep well, sweet world. I have a job to do.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

I Just HAD to do this... My Version of "Royals"

When we were teenagers living in the midst of nowhere, my friends and I used to write our own songs. We were the "Weird Al's" of the South, for sure!
This song was far too tempting to ignore.
This is my rendition of

I've seen so many diamonds in the flesh
I cut my teeth on men who swore they meant it...
And I'm not sure of my address
Goin' town to town...What post code is this?

But every day's like Write this, sing that, pack another suitcase
tweet it, edit, don't forget the train case.
We don't care. We're flying private planes in the sky.
But everybody's like sound check , backup, watch over the soundboard
Find the right shade, dont forget to contour.
We don't care...Not everybody can take a dare.

And we'll never be sorry
We've come too far with this
Not giving up on finding bliss
And making sure we never miss

You can call me crazy
You can call me home free
And baby I'll live (I'll live...I'll live...I'll live)
You can never hinder me.

My friends and I, we keep it real
We don't pretend to live a life
of mediocrity.
And everyone who knows us knows that we roll with it
we live our lives and mean it.

But every day's like Write this, sing that, pack another suitcase
tweet it, edit, don't forget the train case.
We don't care. We're flying private planes in the sky.
But everybody's like sound check , backup, watch over the soundboard
Find the right shade, dont forget to contour.
We don't care...Not everybody can take a dare.

And we'll never be sorry
We've come too far with this
Not giving up on finding bliss
And making sure we never miss

You can call me crazy
You can call me home free
And baby I'll live (I'll live...I'll live...I'll live)
You can never hinder me.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

That Which She Craves.

Once again, words circulate throughout my entire being. They flood my mind and situate themselves into the appropriate corners, nestling deep within a world that is without limitations. 

Forever and a day ago, I felt them befriend my world. Ideas began becoming a reality in my own life and dreams began coming true. Watching a life so surreal unfold, until the bar was raised, once more. 

Now, my mind is craving this life, once again. More adventures. More stories to tell. More details without limitation. More fuel for creativity and new environments in which to create, within.

The life of a writer is such a sweet thing.

We get to live life twice. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

This Is My Atmosphere

This is my atmosphere.
Lack of integrity, class, and character, is not welcome here.

Integrity – 1. adherence to principles;honesty
2.The quality of being unimpaired; soundness
3. Unity; Wholeness

Class – 1. Principled uprightness of character; personal integrity.
2. To hold in respect; esteem.
3. To show respect for.
Character - The mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.

As a general rule, love does conquer all. It takes a big person to truly love and be kind to other human beings, whether they be “up to par” or not. When I look at another human being, I search for light. For goodness. For compassion. In other words, I search for integrity and class. Honor and graciousness. An individual who knows exactly who they are, without feeling the need to use others' misfortunes as a way to earn value, respect, or gain laughs.

I once had the misfortune of being exposed to a very condescending, negative, judgmental, individual. This person found humor in the unfortunate things in life. They relished in the idea that whatever happened, they could always trump another person's status or personality, with a negative comment regarding said person.

In retrospect, I realized that this individual had no real identity of his/her own. This is why the only things of interest to speak about seemed to always be at the expense and degradation of others. Had they truly been acquainted with character and class, conversations would have never even touched upon the negative. But rather, things of good report, funny stories about the ins and outs of everyday life, and other topics of interest that had nothing to do with climbing up to the tallest branch in order to toss criticisms or crass jokes upon the heads of other people.

When I hear a conversation revolving around such things, I instantly detect that lack of depth. I detect fear. Fear of exposing the truth. Fear of being who they truly are...because they do not wish to be spoken of as they speak of others. Why not beat another to the punch?

You see, I find this sad.

Sad for such individuals who lack life. Who feel so small. Who never learned what it feels like to have honor, love, and respect for human life. Including their own. When one must resort to casting negative attention away from themselves, this is an indication that this individual has no clue who they truly are. They are not grounded, nor rooted in any particular way. Not established. They will fall for anything, because they stand for nothing.

I refer to these individuals as “social chameleons”

They will bend to fit whomever they are around. They will say what they think you wish to hear. They are not consistent. Whenever you find inconsistencies within anthers' personality, chances are, they are not yet stable.

I am now happy to say that I am free from the individual I had spent some time with in my past. The person who plagued my atmosphere with dark clouds, with animosity and negativity.

I do still occasionally run into this personality type. I find myself searching the person over, wondering what caused them to stop developing their own truths, love, and paths. But instead, use the truths' of others' as conversation jokes. Mock consideration and graciousness. Watch them fumble down a path that was not paved by them, but rather, paved in fear of being rejected. This path is subject to change at any given moment, depending upon present company.

These are the people who will only hinder personal growth and cause great amounts of discomfort to those around them. Their friends consist of people much like them. People who do not have their own sense of who they are. Or people who are afraid to be who they are in the presence of such a person, for fear of being mocked or made fun of.

Sadly, these personality types go through life having very few “true friends”. How can one have “true friends” when they themselves, are not “true”?

I encourage anyone reading this to embrace the humanity within. To love, to laugh, and to be who you are. The person you feel like, inside.

That little voice that is truthful to you?
Honor that voice.

The freedom that dwells inside of your soul?
Surrender to it.

That fear you feel to be who you ARE?
Destroy it.

We are given this one life. A beautiful and precious life that can be filled with excietment, laughter, love, and real happiness.

Embrace that chance. Live the life you have been given and never worry about being liked by everyone. If everyone likes you, you are doing something VERY WRONG.