Worth.

For some unknown reason, I cannot get angry.
There are times I find myself craving just one ounce of rage. A moment of screaming seething truth spewing from my burning vocal chords.

But alas, I lack that certain ability to hate or become spiteful, vindictive, or malicious. I cannot "manipulate" with the best of them. Nor do I want to. I want to see everyone happy, smiling. loving, being loved, and happy. I want to hold the broken in my heart and pardon their follies. This is who I am.

But in this world, I have observed others who have placed worth upon themselves. This worth gives them permission to do things...things I cannot do. They allow themselves to lie. They have no qualms with drama or causing others pain. Maybe even taking pleasure in the pain they cause. They can disregard those who love them. As long as the other things in their lives are bringing them pleasure.

See, in this life, we must all decide our worth. What will we accept? What will we allow? How will we live? Will we poison ourselves with debauchery? Find excuses to use drugs? To lie? What kind of individuals will we allow into our atmosphere? How far will we go to be a part of another's life?

Long long ago, I placed a value upon myself. A price tag, if you will. Long long ago, I decided that I deserve only the best. That I will only live a life of peace, success, truth, love, mercy, honor, and tranquility. A simple life full of loving friends and contentment. Full of laughter and love. A drama free life. This life has been a great success, thus far. When you carve your goals in stone, nothing can prevent them from being accomplished. And I have accomplished MUCH. Happiness, being the biggest accomplishment of all.

The most odd aspect of this dynamic is the response I receive from those who have placed their worth as "less than". Before I even know or realize the way this person truly is, they seem to harbor some sort of resentment toward me...Others have noticed this and many point it out.

The only theory left is the fact that they are looking at what they have given up on. Themselves. The fact that they can look at the mirror standing before them and make note of their lack.

Maybe this sounds harsh to you. Perhaps you think it could even be a bit of conceit...but deep down, we all know the truth about this subject. This just happens to be one of those things that others' are too afraid to regard because it is a little too true and none of us are immune.

So whenever I run into another person who may threaten this beautiful life I live, I do what I must. Life is too short for dramatic and dishonest people. People who go out of their way to rip the price tag from of your worth. The only way of life is truth and honor, and I cannot and will not be pulled down by their own "worth". The price tag that they themselves have placed upon their lives.

I know what I am worth.
And no matter what ever happens in this world, that will never change.

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Morning Mind Meanderings.

As I was driving back home from running some errands this morning, my mind began to revisit the past. This often happens when I am alone in my car or some sort of pivotal moment is occurring in my life. Sometimes both.

Regardless, I can never help but write about the thoughts that dance with my mind, make me smile, and realize more than I ever thought possible.

As I walked up stairs this morning, I noticed how normal it all felt. How the past had prepared me for all of what this current life has become.
The church I grew up in was not necessarily one you may call conventional. It did bring great opportunities and connections I will forever hold dear to my heart. Memories I wouldn't trade for the world.

A seething ambition had driven my heart to the land of higher learning at an early age and continued to do so for 8 years of my life.

Moving in and out of hotels and packing lightly was something I felt to be normal. As I reached my mid twenties, I had discovered that traveling was something I was pretty good at!

After many life lessons, experiences, and fulfilled dreams, my premature marriage came to a close. I suppose I learned quite a lot from this particular experience but somehow felt as though I had wasted much of my time, as well.

Finally able to be me, I ran with life as though it were a kite on the end of a great long string. I watched in partial dismay as it soared higher and higher, taking me to places I never dreamed of being, yet feeling it as “normal”, all the same.

Waking up to all of the New York mornings always felt so natural. Catching a train to Penn Station…taking the Subway to Chinatown. It was all just…LIFE. My past had conditioned me to adapt to whatever life situation I was in. Living on Pizza, Sandwiches, Coffee, and Cherry Danishes (Que the laughter) I began to feel the new home cradle me, as I always did when away from what was supposedly my home.
I will never be able to recall the number of individuals I have met along my New York journey. After making many amazing connections, singing at the Nautical Mile, attending events with WBAB, and countless weddings with a very talented Videographer from Long Island, I felt fulfilled. I was living a good life and enjoyed each new experience, eagerly awaiting the next.

Thus far, my 30’s have been the best years of my life. I believe this is due, in part, to the fact that I have learned a thing or two. I have a stronger handle on things…more control over my own destiny than before.
Never have I been happier. Never have I been filled with such a great amount of peace. I suppose that’s what life is about. Peace. Once you find it, you hold on like hell.
Finding happiness in life’s simplicities. Enjoying the sunshine beaming down onto your skin. Swimming weightlessly through water and life and time. The days roll by quickly and firmly and life continues to grow with a great boldness.

I have come to realize that one can never “find” a life that suits them.
That life will ultimately find you.
You can run but you can never hide.