Worth.

For some unknown reason, I cannot get angry.
There are times I find myself craving just one ounce of rage. A moment of screaming seething truth spewing from my burning vocal chords.

But alas, I lack that certain ability to hate or become spiteful, vindictive, or malicious. I cannot "manipulate" with the best of them. Nor do I want to. I want to see everyone happy, smiling. loving, being loved, and happy. I want to hold the broken in my heart and pardon their follies. This is who I am.

But in this world, I have observed others who have placed worth upon themselves. This worth gives them permission to do things...things I cannot do. They allow themselves to lie. They have no qualms with drama or causing others pain. Maybe even taking pleasure in the pain they cause. They can disregard those who love them. As long as the other things in their lives are bringing them pleasure.

See, in this life, we must all decide our worth. What will we accept? What will we allow? How will we live? Will we poison ourselves with debauchery? Find excuses to use drugs? To lie? What kind of individuals will we allow into our atmosphere? How far will we go to be a part of another's life?

Long long ago, I placed a value upon myself. A price tag, if you will. Long long ago, I decided that I deserve only the best. That I will only live a life of peace, success, truth, love, mercy, honor, and tranquility. A simple life full of loving friends and contentment. Full of laughter and love. A drama free life. This life has been a great success, thus far. When you carve your goals in stone, nothing can prevent them from being accomplished. And I have accomplished MUCH. Happiness, being the biggest accomplishment of all.

The most odd aspect of this dynamic is the response I receive from those who have placed their worth as "less than". Before I even know or realize the way this person truly is, they seem to harbor some sort of resentment toward me...Others have noticed this and many point it out.

The only theory left is the fact that they are looking at what they have given up on. Themselves. The fact that they can look at the mirror standing before them and make note of their lack.

Maybe this sounds harsh to you. Perhaps you think it could even be a bit of conceit...but deep down, we all know the truth about this subject. This just happens to be one of those things that others' are too afraid to regard because it is a little too true and none of us are immune.

So whenever I run into another person who may threaten this beautiful life I live, I do what I must. Life is too short for dramatic and dishonest people. People who go out of their way to rip the price tag from of your worth. The only way of life is truth and honor, and I cannot and will not be pulled down by their own "worth". The price tag that they themselves have placed upon their lives.

I know what I am worth.
And no matter what ever happens in this world, that will never change.

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Morning Mind Meanderings.

As I was driving back home from running some errands this morning, my mind began to revisit the past. This often happens when I am alone in my car or some sort of pivotal moment is occurring in my life. Sometimes both.

Regardless, I can never help but write about the thoughts that dance with my mind, make me smile, and realize more than I ever thought possible.

As I walked up stairs this morning, I noticed how normal it all felt. How the past had prepared me for all of what this current life has become.
The church I grew up in was not necessarily one you may call conventional. It did bring great opportunities and connections I will forever hold dear to my heart. Memories I wouldn't trade for the world.

A seething ambition had driven my heart to the land of higher learning at an early age and continued to do so for 8 years of my life.

Moving in and out of hotels and packing lightly was something I felt to be normal. As I reached my mid twenties, I had discovered that traveling was something I was pretty good at!

After many life lessons, experiences, and fulfilled dreams, my premature marriage came to a close. I suppose I learned quite a lot from this particular experience but somehow felt as though I had wasted much of my time, as well.

Finally able to be me, I ran with life as though it were a kite on the end of a great long string. I watched in partial dismay as it soared higher and higher, taking me to places I never dreamed of being, yet feeling it as “normal”, all the same.

Waking up to all of the New York mornings always felt so natural. Catching a train to Penn Station…taking the Subway to Chinatown. It was all just…LIFE. My past had conditioned me to adapt to whatever life situation I was in. Living on Pizza, Sandwiches, Coffee, and Cherry Danishes (Que the laughter) I began to feel the new home cradle me, as I always did when away from what was supposedly my home.
I will never be able to recall the number of individuals I have met along my New York journey. After making many amazing connections, singing at the Nautical Mile, attending events with WBAB, and countless weddings with a very talented Videographer from Long Island, I felt fulfilled. I was living a good life and enjoyed each new experience, eagerly awaiting the next.

Thus far, my 30’s have been the best years of my life. I believe this is due, in part, to the fact that I have learned a thing or two. I have a stronger handle on things…more control over my own destiny than before.
Never have I been happier. Never have I been filled with such a great amount of peace. I suppose that’s what life is about. Peace. Once you find it, you hold on like hell.
Finding happiness in life’s simplicities. Enjoying the sunshine beaming down onto your skin. Swimming weightlessly through water and life and time. The days roll by quickly and firmly and life continues to grow with a great boldness.

I have come to realize that one can never “find” a life that suits them.
That life will ultimately find you.
You can run but you can never hide.

This Fits Too.

Remember the movie ‘Sweet Home Alabama’? Reese Witherspoon plays a fashion designer who moved to New York to escape her Southern roots and start over to “make something of herself”. Only when she revisited the place in which she grew up did she realize that New York had changed her. That she wasn't as happy there as she had previously thought...

It’s amazing what we learn from a single year of experience. I love New York. I cherish each and every memory made there and I know that I will visit there on a regular basis…but not so very long ago, something hit me…it hit like a ton of bricks.

Yes, everyone thought I was a “city girl”. That I was made for New York. But growing up, I awakened each and every morning to birds chirping. The sounds of nature. The rivers flowing over rocks and the quiet of untainted bliss.

I was accustomed to “Southern Hospitality” and spoiled by “Southern Gentleman”.

But suddenly, I found myself waking up to the sounds of traffic, having to rush constantly, and never having time to just enjoy the simplicity of life.

I became jaded. I was becoming someone I was not…untrue to the person I was meant to be.

I was told I was too nice. Too kind. I wasn’t focused enough on money or possessions. I wasn’t brash enough. Life became a little too complicated...

When you go against the grain, splinters happen…and they did. I felt like I was being pulled in half. Into two separate individuals.

But I came back home and suddenly, after spending time with my friends and family, it all flooded back to me in a rush of emotions like never before. Happiness! Bliss! HOME!

The real me is a Southern Girl. Grilling out by the lake, playing in the rivers with the kids, fishing (yes I fish), and never having to worry about being approached by someone who is only looking out for themselves.

We live and we learn and different people are meant for different things.

I was meant for “too nice”. I was brought up to be a lady. To enjoy a peaceful life. To appreciate what I have.

Sipping Dandelion Wine by the river at the campfire. Friends playing the guitar while the sounds of nature accompany the chorus. Driving to the beach…driving to the Parkway.

I had missed it all and didn’t even realize what exactly was missing until I returned.

New York was great. It was fun and exciting and always alive.

But this?

This fits too.

And this is home.

So Blowing Rock, Wilmington, or Oxford? They all call my name.

And as I sit in my apartment located in NC, I realize just how beautiful this place truly is.

How loved I really am.

How many true friends I have here.

AND how many opportunities there are waiting around the corner.

Turn the page everyone.

Join me for the next chapter.

The Grand Scheme

I will soon be 32 years old.
In my (almost) 32 years of life, I have learned many things.

The grand scheme of things is not quite as "grand" as one might think. Life falls together as some sort of distorted yet beautiful puzzle.

We walk through seasons as though they are lifetimes, find missing pieces to life's puzzle, and move forward to the next set of bliss.

Of course, storms come and go. Lightening, pain, and tears flow...until this "grand scheme" erases them, eases us, and carries us through the painful realities we may encounter.

Confusion, at times, can feel like our best friend. But somehow, the days roll all of life's confusion away and a clarity like none other falls upon our existence.It does no good to regret. Regret is only a waste of our present. Sorrow felt for a past that no longer applies to our lives.People will disappoint you, hurt you, love you, leave you, surprise you, shock you, and some will even break you.

When it hurts, it can cut deep, but there is always a way to make the pain stop.

We have to learn from our past. Learn who to let into our lives and who to walk away from. Have the wisdom to burn bridges when necessary and the strength to fight against the current, if need be.

Never allow an empty vessel to pollute your life. Surround yourself with like minded counterparts and celebrate the fact that you have found your own.

Broken people only specialize in breaking others.

Work hard with diligence and an unceasing, assiduous love for all. Yes, even the broken people. You can love without involving those individuals in your own affairs.

Most importantly, appreciate. Be grateful for all that you have learned, felt, endured, and conquered. Triumph is the among the most valuable morsels this life has to give.

Seek, laugh, love with your whole being, dance, take risks, have wisdom, and love who you are, who you have been, and who you have the potential of becoming. Chances are, you will become that person.
I have learned a lot in my (almost) 32 years of life.
It hasn't been easy but it hasn't been hard.
It has been worth every second.

Because I Said So.

Over the past couple of years, I have learned some valuable truths. One of these lessons brought me to one word.

Choice.

This is what it all truly boils down to.
We are all given the chance to make any choice we will.
We can choose to forgive, choose to be afraid, choose to win, or choose to lose, choose to love,choose to hate, choose to heal, choose to stay broken, choose to fear life, or choose to LIVE IT...
The key is forever in our hands. All we have to do is decide upon which door to open, turn that key, and take the fruits of our choice.
I have made many choices in my life. Some good...some not. Sometimes, I was a consequence of another persons choice

Now, I Choose.
Now, I Decide.

And even though the lesson was not always easy, I wouldn't trade this knowledge for ANYTHING.

Eyes take in the future.
Discard the broken past.
And a life that’s worth living.
Can never wait too fast.

Quite possibly, you know me.
Or maybe never will…
Nevertheless, I can tell you
Just how quickly love can heal.

I’ve lived in diamond houses.
I’ve walked on broken glass.
I’ve driven straight into the unknown.
And lived to tell about the crash.

These lives are never perfect.
So take what good you can.
Snap photographs of rainbows
And take children by the hand.

We are all in this together.
We are all in this alone.
And what truly matters in the end
Is where we find our home.
© Adrienne Jessica - Any and all reproduction of this work will result in severe legal penalties and fees.

Was It Really?

Has it really been over four months since my last entry? I can recall blogging almost daily, several years ago!

It amazes me when I look back on all of the things I once wrote. Even my last entry... So much can change in such a small amount of time. Often times, it feels as though time is flying but in retrospect, the realization of life kicking up and taking me along in full gear can be quite surprising!

I am placed comfortably on my big squishy sofa with the promise of so many new delights up ahead and sometimes, I must truly pinch myself in order to make certain that my reality has really made this venture.

I suppose it isn't as surprising as I sometimes believe.

Just...pleasantly SO!

I knew I wouldn't stay in North Carolina, forever. Always beckoning, always calling out to me, I knew there was always somewhere else I was destined to be. That unknown place where which the stork had forgotten to drop me...

My days consist of much.
I work on my Novel with FORCE, clean, cook, run errands, spend time with friends, and take comfort in knowing just how satisfying it feels to finally know where this life is taking me.

I've never lacked the fine art of seeing the bright side of my life. It just seems to be getting brighter!

In summation, you really never know so never surrender to what SEEMS to be your "life".

Only you can change it and only you can make it beautiful.
Much love to all.