They Called Her Sunshine

Preface: This entry has been drawn from my own personal experiences, conclusions, and past.

Today, I was thinking back. I have no idea what has propelled me into these memories so quickly, but alas, here I am., back in time, searching myself over.

No doubt, the “grunge era” as we so frequently called it, was the best time to be a teenager. We braided our hair, stayed out all night, strummed our guitars, and felt the freedom of new voices. Voices that reached out to us over airwaves and backdoors. Through music and conversation. Through books and new ideas about the future.

We burst forth into a lifestyle that seemed fool proof, and embraced it. Each day was a new kind of adventure, filled with magic, laughter, and the great wide open. The unknown. Rolling with each moment, seeking out new ways to kill the boredom of small town living.

And kill it, we did.

Piercings and Green hair (Hello Michael!!!), shooting pool and “loitering”. Braiding the guys hair until my fingers felt as though they were going to fall off any second. Deep discussions regarding purity versus one night stands, religion, and of course, love.

There was loss, but we learned and gained.

There was strife, but we hugged and loved, in the end.

I think that, in many ways, we were a whole lot wiser than we ever gave ourselves credit for. Especially to be so young.

Back then, we were urged to think and search. Conclude for ourselves. Obsessed with lyrics, as I have always been, I think back to the music that dripped around our lives, back then.

“love and hate get it wrong
she cut me right back down to size
sleep the day let it fade
who was there to take your place
no one knows never will
mostly me but mostly you
what do you say do you do when it all comes down”

And somehow, we understood this? Well, yes. That was part of life, back then. Deciphering the meaning from the meaningless. Then making meaning out of just about anything we could wrap our minds around.

Propelling an entire generation into what is now, the 30-somethings. A new breed of lovers, dreamers, free spirits, nomads, and open minds.

Sometimes, we have difficulty finding an exact niche. The younger individuals who never experienced this type of camaraderie seem to expect so much more than we ever did…despite the fact that yes, some of the members of the “grunge era” bought their flannel at Abercrombie And Fitch. That never mattered…not then.

We just WERE who we WERE.

And gladly, still ARE.

“Must be your skin
I'm sinking in
must be for real
cuz now I can feel
and I didn't mind
it's not my kind not my time
to wonder why everything's gone white
and everything's gray
now you're here now you're away
I don't want this
remember that
I'll never forget where you're at
don't let the days go by…”

In loving memory of Jonathan Alan Jackson.
February 6, 1978 - July 5, 2000
(Not a day goes by that you don’t make me smile.)

Don't Take One Single Step For Granted.

The weather was quite brisk for a North Carolina July day. This quickly catapulted her into a quick realization. Time goes by so quickly, bringing the details along for the ride.
But the details? They are either the things most easily recalled and remembered or the things most easily forgotten. It all depends upon how one looks at life. Do you see it as a puzzle or as one giant photograph?

Since she was a child, she had kept a journal. Details and stories of what was, what could be, and the prayers she prayed with such sincerity. The day held little to be desired outside of her home. The chill in the air combined with the clouds made for a perfect excuse to read over these little slices of the past. Snippets of life caught and documented on paper.

And there is where the details were discovered.
Saint Petersburg in the dead of summer, watching fireworks from atop the Bank Of America Building.
Breakfast at the Jekyll Island Club Hotel.
Trips to Richmond and DC.
New York City.
Recording Studios.
Jet ski’s and boats. The wind so overwhelmingly breathtaking as she spent days on the lake.
The scent of airports, as she pulled her luggage to the curb to wait for her car.
3...2...1 and ACTION! “CLICK!”
The sound of the camera shutters as photographers directed her to position this way and that, while pretending to enjoy the way the sand felt as it made it’s way into her bikini…
Writing at Kapps Mill, sitting on Jonathan’s front porch and strumming guitars until conversations eventually took over.
Camping at the New River with the gang, water fights, canoes, tubing…
Listening to the startling boom of artillery at Fort Bragg at all hours of the day and night.
The excitement of new college semesters.
Even the smallest things like the scent of a fresh new book.

There is not one individual who can go through this life and NOT have their own list of details. A collection of memories that ultimately make us who we are. Guide our perceptions and write our chapters.

Unfortunately, it is easy to go through this life and become distracted from these details. The very things that make life worth it all. These little gifts that remind us of just how fortunate, blessed, and happy we are.

As Bush sang it back when she was running around with a pierced belly button and two tiny braids at the front of her hair, bleaching the sky every night, and spinning around two howling moons… “It’s the little things that kill…”

Well, I disagree with that particular statement.

It’s the little things that revive.
That create beauty.
That give us reasons to be grateful.

To know that life is, and always will be, beautiful.

Hang onto the details. In the end, they're what matter the most.

Face To Face.

I awakened this morning with a mind full of words. Memories, Ideas, thoughts, questions, answers…you name it and it was circulating through the abyss, better known as, the mind of a writer.

I have begun to immerse myself into writing a series of short stories. Most of them, drawn from my own personal past experiences. This notion was brought upon me at Thanksgiving while at Joshua’s family dinner. His grandfather, a man who has probably seen and lived through more than I ever have (or possibly will), asked me why I wasn’t writing more about my life. The thought took me aback quite thoroughly, until the idea began to make itself more comfortable in the realm of possible future endeavors. Tantalizingly so.

When living a life, the events that have separated a particular individual from the norm of society, generally seem normal to the person experiencing said events. It has taken many years, countless professors, editors, fellow writers, friends and even family, to convince me that my life was far more intriguing than fiction.

After an atrocious and premature first marriage, I began rebuilding my life from the ground up. After leaving all I had worked so hard to build, I found myself more capable of rebuilding.

I quickly learned, in the most palpable of ways, that if you want to be successful, it truly does all boil down to “who you know”. After establishing myself in a new and undisclosed residence, I began working on the set of a film as a makeup artist.


The energetic, fast paced, brutally exciting air, was something I had never truly experienced to this magnitude. It was exactly what was needed to catapult me from my history into my destiny. 14 hour days on set followed by running lines, wrap parties, trailer viewings, promotional activities…

Then somehow, I landed in New York.

Indeed, I am fully aware of how ridiculous the previous sentence sounds. “Somehow”? Looking back, all I know is that New York City was a place that was meant for me to experience. The idea of staying in my current abode quickly flew out the window when, as Nick says, I was “bitten by the bug”. Less than two months following my initial visit, I found myself living life as a New Yorker.


I worked with bands, Videographers, DJ’s, wrote songs, looked for apartments, shopped, drank gallons of Coffee in back street recording studios, sang my heart out to live audiences, met some great people, landed countless jobs, and ultimately found myself, somewhere between Fifth and Broadway.

That is when I made my next move. I turned away from New York and caught a flight back home.

I had missed my friends.

The calm of the “slow life” as New Yorker’s call it.

I will forever treasure the memories made there and will definitely go back in the future to make new ones, but it was time to begin a new chapter in the book of this life.

After my somewhat shocking return “home”, life became a mixture of hanging out at the lake, cooking out by the river, and experiencing the nightlife with my amazingly talented musician friends.

Life was exciting and making a great deal of sense.

Out of this beauty, I have learned that time is the very thing that determines our fate. Moreover, God is the very one who holds that perfect timing in his grasp. So with a wink and a nod, I smiled at this private joke that was once the “unknown” and am now living an entire new novel of adventure, love, life, experiences, and memories.

I awakened this morning with a mind full of words. Memories, Ideas, thoughts, questions, answers…you name it and it was circulating through the abyss better known as, the mind of a writer.

Turn the page. It gets better. =)

For The Love Of LIght.

Truth.

How can one such tiny word provoke fear, spite, and malevolence? We should crave the truth as though it were the Filet Mignon and we were the starving artist.

Seek it. Love it. Embrace it.

Unfortunately, we have all fallen victim to fearing it.

Rejecting it.
Attacking it.
And over time, denying it…

Why? Because we are human. Because we all wish to believe the best in people. Because if the “truth” has the possibility of endangering our happiness, it suddenly becomes the enemy.

As for the messenger? They quickly become reduced to trouble makers, at best.

To this very day, I still cling to the quote by Anne Frank. “In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.”

So why do we lie? Why do human beings find the need to deceive, blind, and ultimately crush the hearts of those around them?

Some do it because they want to have their cake and eat it too.

Others lie out of fear.
Insecurity.
The desire to be accepted by everyone.
To make themselves what those around them wish to see at the time.

In my 32 years of life, I have observed many individuals, including myself. When light is shed upon darkness, something of a battle ensues. But in the end, light always wins out. Even when the truth hurts us so much that we feel we can no longer go on, it eventually WILL set us free.

Not just because I wrote this but because God is a lover of truth.

The deceitful are always exposed for who they truly are and the glory light shines through, once again.

I only pray that someday, we can all be honest with one another and hide nothing. What a beautifully simple place that would be.

Life should never be about hiding but ALWAYS about SHINING.

So SHINE ON EVERYONE!
*bless*

So Hold Onto Nothing As Fast As You Can.

Adrienne’s are notorious for tangents and I suppose this is one of them.
I’m happy with where this journey is taking me despite having no idea how the story ends.
I never have and never will, be afraid to turn the page.
Each chapter surprises me…still. One might concede that after 32 years of life, very little would be of any shock to my system. Especially after such stormy seas. Yet still, it rages on.
This life.
This dream.
This determination.
Watching the world around me as it spins us all into different directions.
Feeling the hot summer sun on my shoulders until the leaves fall from the trees and onto the ground, once more.
It all goes by so fast. It all goes by so slowly.
Only we can be the judge of that when the sun sets upon us.
It feels as though I’ve lived a thousand different lives and swam a million different oceans to get here.
And here I shall stay until the next wave catches me…until the next chapter is safe for me to enter.
Until then, I will bask in the beautiful, treacherous, and glorious present, that is life.

It’s true what they say.
Part of it is, anyway.
Perhaps none of this is what it seems.
Maybe reality is really the dream.
Tipping forward - Falling back
Making up for all you lack.
When digging still is not enough
to find that diamond in the rough.
How far must these limits be pushed?
until that final destined hush?
Going under - Falling up
working to overflow your cup.
Taking over - moving on.
Pressing pause till time is gone.
Is it true what they say?
Part of it is, anyway.
But only YOU can win this game.
Because only YOU are not the same.

© Adrienne J. Coe - 2009
Any and all reproductions of this writing will result in severe legal penalties and fees...bitches.

..::They Call Me Tiffany Twisted. I've Got That Mercedes Benz::..

In this lifetime, I have often found myself standing by the side of individuals who claim to want more out of life. Who pray for bliss and speak of dreams, make promises, and plans...

I believe wholeheartedly that they truly do desire these things. They crave a good life and truly believe...at least at one point...that their life will change.

What most fail to realize is the reality of one word. CHOICE.

We can pray, hope, dream, and even BELIEVE...but if we do not CHOOSE the proper paths in order to obtain these little slices of heaven, we will only find ourselves on the same path, living life in a circle, settling into the comfort of the "known". And as life passes by and age settles upon your face, heart, and soul, those once desired dreams will slowly begin to disappear.

I've seen this all too often.

And I'm sick of it.

It is called "ROCK BOTTOM" and many live there.
It's reminds me of the song "Hotel California" by the Eagles.

"We are all just prisoners here, of our own device" "Last thing I remember, I was running for the door. I had to find the passage back to the place I was before. 'Relax,' said the night man, we are programmed to receive. You can check-out any time you like, But you can never leave!'

I only realized this AFTER I wrote this poem. It is called "Rock Bottom" and unfortunately, from the things I have observed in this life, many are satisfied with it. I used to feel sorry for them...I still have pity. But this could never be my life.

Rock Bottom by Adrienne Jessica.

It Cradles you so slowly and tempts you with it's bliss.
Until the falling ceases and greets you with a kiss.
It takes no time to make some friends
who tell you of THEIR bitter ends
Until rock bottom actually begins to feel like life
It sucks you in.
Suddenly it no longer seems wrong.
Afterall, this life is rather quite long...
So as the days pass by hope slowly dies
until one day you stop looking through your own eyes.
The light grows dim and so you do you.
Nothing grows old and nothing blooms new.
But there is a secret and you hide it well.
YOU KNEW YOU WERE FALLING BEFORE YOU FELL.

© Adrienne Jessica 2010.
Any reproduction or copies produced without my permission will result in severe legal penalties and fees.

*Into The Great Wide Open*

From time to time, I like to take inventory of my life. I look around, behind, and in front of, my current self.

I take stock of the lessons I have learned, the love I have given, received, and all of the hearts who have I not only touched, but that have touched mine, as well.

I wish I could say everything was always perfect. That all of the hearts in my life were true. That honesty is like a disease and is contagious. That people choose to be understanding of one another…But I always take comfort in knowing that I am always true to myself and others as much as humanly possible.

That makes reality’s kiss a bit more sweet.

Tonight.

This night, as I look back, I see triumph. Pure, unadulterated, colossal triumph.

Like it were yesterday…
College - My one true drug. 8 years wondering around inside of the beautiful land of academia. 4.0

Singing in front of a million different people, writing, rhyming.

Walking into a new recording studio, smelling that strong and unstoppable scent of hope and determination. Traveling to shows and recording the same song a million times over. Singing along to familiar songs, and surrounding myself with words. Sometimes, too many.

Next, I look back as I meander through the unknown. Distractions flooded my world. I needed distractions then. Surrounding myself with people I couldn’t understand. People with ideals so foreign to my own that I was fascinated by their existence. I needed this. Wanted this. It was the very thing that would carry me from one chapter to the next…and it worked…Living on Coffee, Danishes, and dreams as they lived on debauchery, at best. It was my one true motivation. Watching them as they let it all just slip away…

And one day, a new city was found. Airports, more annoying than foreign. “The window seat, thank you”. Running to catch the train until my legs literally felt that they would fail me. Falling asleep on the ride home from Penn Station. Buying fruit from a sidewalk vendor and then inadvertently walking into a gay bar with my best friend carrying a bag of very large bananas. In true Adrienne fashion, “How do I get myself into these things?” seemed to be the question of the hour!

Going to weddings, bot mitzvahs, watching the DJ spin, promotional work for WBAB, Having my mail delivered to the Studio because Steven is such a perfectionist that he had to tweak each song five hundred and eleven times, visiting my friends in NC with a new take on life, watching my friends marry, start families, and take on amazing careers, fireworks blasting on the fourth of July while Steven dedicated and sang Crash by Dave Matthews, to me...And CHRISTMAS in the City. So magical.

I suppose as I look around myself now…this very second…this very night…

Wow.

And it has only just begun.